Deepthoughtsfuzzymemories

Friday, January 28, 2005

Well, the news is not good. There is no hope.

This is the response I received from the Dr. today.

"Your father's health is rapidly failing and any gains that he makes will be quickly lost as the cancer aggressively advances. Look to the present and enjoy each day with him. I can expect further problems to occur, including, a worsening of his anemia, problems with the anticoagulation, worsening problems with the sodium and oxygenation and so on. I know you are concerned about his health and I agree that he should be home if that is where he wants to be. Hospitals are fine but being in one's own surroundings with a supportive family is far more important."
Dr.Kassan


So, that's it I guess. We are preparing to bring Dad home today by ambulance. As the doctor suggests I will make the most of this time and enjoy what I can. For the most part "My Dad" is already gone. His personality is changed to the degree that this past week I've even wondered if the cancer has spread to his brain. If you are lucky enough to have your parents, call them today and tell them you love them.

These next few weeks will be nearly unbearable for me. I spend more time crying than not crying. I'm on the verge of tears all the time. Now I have to think of what I should say to my Dad next time I see him. It will be the first time after knowing his condition is terminal. Maybe we won't have to say anything. It's a very sad day for me. My heart is broken.

Thank you all for being here. I wish I had more to offer. Something fun or funny to say. Something to give back to you for hanging in there with me through this. Here I am practically a stranger and depending on you to help me through one of the most difficult times in my life. I wish I had more to give back now but I just don't have it in me. I'm sorry to be so down and depressing. I know it's not easy being a friend to someone with so much negative stuff going on.

My employer yesterday came in my office and told me not to worry at all about losing my job. That they are standing behind me and are there for anything I need. They said for me to take off the time I need, do whatever it is I need to do and there is no chance of me losing my job. While in a way I sort of knew that it was nice to hear it. To have it confirmed. For the words to be spoken out loud. Of course I need to work because no work, no pay, but also right now I need a little space.

Just like when I come here and read your words of support. I know they are there anyway but to read them again and again has great meaning and gives strength to me.

That's all I know to say for now except again, thank you.

8 Comments:

  • Terri,

    I want to say all the right words to you. To say something that you will find helpfull, to make it seam easiler, but I don't know if I can do that.

    All I can say is what is in my heart. I check your blog and the forum every day, sometimes once or twice during the day to see if there is any news. And it's not that I don't have tons of work to keep me busy. I just care about you and your family.

    You were there to listen to me back in November and December when we met via the blogs when I was going through my problems. Those emails back and forth, and the time you took to talk to me on the phone meant and helped me so much. I do consider you a friend. I know we have never met, but I do care how you and your family are.

    I remember when my grandfather passed away, it was very sudden and happened during the middle of the night. I never got to say good bye. I know you will tell you Dad how much you love him, and I know how hard this next little while will be. But as you said in you post....enjoy your time with your Dad.....tell him every day you love him, I know he will hear and understand, I just know in my heart of hearts he will.

    Terri, if you EVER just want to talk or whatever, you know you can email or call me. And by the way, THANK YOU for allowing us, your friends to share with you during this difficult time in your life.

    Your Friend.........Larry

    By Blogger Larry, At 3:46 PM  

  • Terri,
    I know you will make sure you tell your dad you love him. Really even if he isn't the same "dad" you knew, I think they are still in there somewhere, just treat him as normally as you can and let him know he is loved. He'll know it.
    You are right to tell people to call there family up and tell them how much they are loved. I am the oldest of my immdediate family left and believe me I wish every day that I could still dial that number.
    May peace be in your family and strength be your shield.
    I too check in frequently to see how you are, and if by being here and chatting can help. I am always available.

    By Blogger Jacqui, At 4:13 PM  

  • Hello there...all you can do is what you can do. Go, be there, take the time that you need, if not for your father, then for Kim. ...
    Today while I was over at my parents home, my mom had to go out... so my sister and I were there.. to keep tabs on "our dad"... and that's when my sister told him that the money they spent to put her through nursing school is paying off for him. WE moved him about in bed, got him settled, asked him if he needed anything, asked him to complain... about anything. He smiled and said no. Just do what you do... and that's all you can do. Actions speak louder than words. Stay strong, you can do it. Even when you don't think you have it in you, you can. I did it today.

    By Blogger Deanna, At 4:24 PM  

  • I am so, so sorry about your Dad, Terri. I think it's probably the right decision to have him at home. We kept my mum at home when she was dying - I was travelling down there (200 miles) every weekend, sometimes I stayed Sunday night and travelled back to work early on the Monday morning - but although it was difficult at times, we were so glad we had done it. She died at home and that's what she would have wanted. You're in my thoughts and prayers and so is your Dad and your family.

    By Blogger Jennyta, At 10:57 AM  

  • Hope is an unusual thing. While the hope for a recovery or a miracle may feel like it is gone, a new hope springs in its space. My hope for you is peace and relief from your grief. My hope for your father, peace and relief from his pain. Please allow all the people who care about you to carry some of your pain and some of the burden in this time, it is a collective strength that pulls us through the darkest shadows.
    peace be with you, jennifer

    By Blogger PlazaJen, At 4:32 PM  

  • Hi Terri. Everyone here has written so eloquently about grief and hope and Love and Life. I want you to know that I feel the same. I can't imagine what you're feeling these days, but please believe that you are in my conscious thoughts and in the quiet meditations of my heart. I wish you peace.

    By Blogger Dale, At 6:43 AM  

  • I love you too honey. Cry all you want or need to... but not in front of dad if you can help it. He's getting ready for some wonderful changes, and he knows you will miss him very much, but this is HIS voyage of discovery and marvel.. and he needs to know that YOU are going to be alright. And you will. Never the same, but in some ways better for all the wonderful things he's taught you, and the wonderful person he's allowed you to be. Thank him every day, every hour, and know that he's just... changing... not really leaving. He can NEVER leave your heart or soul, and you WILL see him again. I love you Terri, give Steven a hug from me too.

    By Blogger magz, At 6:46 PM  

  • Terri,

    I'm so glad you stopped by Jen's Board. Of course you have no more to give. You've given and given, already. In my post on Women Chatter Men Invited, I asked for God's blessing on you, and I hoped you would have the most meaningful bonding with you Dad of your lifetime. As I read your BLOG, I see how incredibly stupid that was. How awful for you to have this sadness, and not really be able to feel close with him.

    God comfort and strengthen you. And I will pray for your step-dad, also.

    I'll let Jen know about your BLOG.

    We care!

    Carl

    By Blogger CarlFromWomenChatter, At 3:47 PM  

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