Dad did break his femur bone

He is scheduled for surgery at 9:30 AM tomorrow morning. We're leaving today to stay in a hotel near the hospital. Dad is comfortable (with the help of large amounts of morphine) but of course is hallucinating. Sort of like dreaming, but awake. His mother, my grandmother, came to see him last night and he thought she had come to take him home. It broke my heart. He looked at her, surprised, and said sadly, "But, I thought you came to take me home with you." That's the hard stuff my friends. Cuts me to the soul.

With all your kind words and encouragement I've been able to be strong for and in front of my Dad. I do my weeping and whining here and save the "tough side" for the family.

Of course I'm worried about Dad making it through the surgery. I'm worried they will open his leg up and find the cancer is more aggressive than they previously believed and .... Well, I just don't know. I try not to think ahead and only think in the "now." The doctors aren't very warm and fuzzy. Dad's "regular" Doctors are but this orthopedist is pretty detached. He's supposed to be good though and of course that's all that matters. He said yesterday, "Your Dad should be up walking by Tuesday." Ah. Okay. But, did you know he wasn't even walking before he broke his leg!?!?! Oh well. Doctors. Something about a steel rod. I just hope and pray he gets through the surgery. That his heart holds out. That his lungs hold out.

Johnny Carson died today. My dad loved him and interestingly, my dad knew him and reminded me - his personality - of Johnny Carson. My Dad also, for those who don't know, knew Phil Donahue and created his talk show. They went to college together. You've probably all at one time or another watched something my dad produced.

Okay, time to pack and "cowboy up" as Steven says. Thank you all for being here. It's so nice of you wonderful friends to leave a little piece of yourselves here. To say something when I know it's hard to know what to say. Just to be here means so much to me. I love you guys.

The photo is ten years old. Before my assault and obviously before I gained weight. It's my favorite "adult" picture of me and my Dad. My Dad's hobby was photography so I have many childhood pictures I love but this is one of my favorites of the two of us. Not just because it reminds me of being thin (although that would be nice again!) - but just the way we're looking at each other. And, my Dad looks so great in a tux, doesn't he? God, I love my Dad. So, so very much. (Could someone please remove the dagger embedded in my soul?)

Okay, I know, I know. You can't help me there but just you being here does help. It's nice to know so many care. Please think of us tomorrow and wish us luck and I'll check in hopefully on Monday night if all goes well or Tuesday if I have to stay in Santa Monica for two nights.